I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they get up in the morning that's the best they're going to feel all day.
"My life is like a porno-movie, without the sex".
If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother
Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots say to his students?
A: Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.
Camouflage condoms: So they won't see you coming.
A Stanford research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 3,000 responses about three days after the ad came out. All from the same person.
The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Don't be so open-minded that your brains fall out.
"It's me and you against the world. So when do we attack?"
I drink to make other people interesting.
I got a dog and named him "Stay". Now, I go "Come here, Stay!". After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
"Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each, and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making any sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned."
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian!
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying every minute of it.
Eat healthy, exercise more, still die.
Always check for ferrets before sitting.
A friend is someone who knows all about you but likes you anyway.
There are three types of people in this world: those who can count and those who can't.
I don't like small cars or really big women but somehow I always find myself in em!
99% of all people in the world walk around with blinders on. The other 1% walk around in total amazement
. Dyslexics of the world, untie!
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
life, n.: A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs, and insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
The top ten things men know about women:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Father always said laughter was the best medicine, I guess that's why so many of us died of tuberculosis.
When he is late for dinner i know he must be either having an affair or lying dead in the street. I always hope he is dead. - Judith Viorst
I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me. - Monica Lewinsky (on CNN's Larry King Live discussing her weight-loss)
We spend nine months trying to get out, and the rest of our lives trying to get back in.
There ain't no devil, ther'e just God when he's drunk.
I imagine a world of love, peace, and no wars. Then I imagine myself attacking that place because they would never expect it!
Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.
I'm at a stage in my life where I'm having a hard time caring about things. Fortunately, I don't care.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes!
The two steps to total business success:
1) Never give away all your secrets
2)
To all you virgins out there. Thanks for nothing.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing.
A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings.
Who's cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "s" in it?
joi, 29 noiembrie 2007
marți, 27 noiembrie 2007
People who are strong communicators have an above-average ability to articulate ideas and feelings. People high in this quality tend to enjoy the act of communicating and can appreciate their own skill at it. Crafting a graceful phrase or telling an engaging tale are the kinds of talents that strong communicators are likely to be known for. Many people high in this quality also love to talk. Perhaps due to all of these skills, being high in this dimension is usually associated with a reasonably high level of confidence, intelligence, and decisiveness.
joi, 22 noiembrie 2007
REALLY good Bumper Sticker Material....
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Assassins do it from behind.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep
Montana --- At least our cows are sane!
Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
Wink, I'll do the rest!
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Assassins do it from behind.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep
Montana --- At least our cows are sane!
Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
Wink, I'll do the rest!
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.
marți, 20 noiembrie 2007
Your instinct to love and be loved is rooted very deeply in your subconscious and affects most of the decisions you make in life — whether you are aware of it or not.
You inspire people to experience their true feelings of love and act kindly towards others. You also value your personal relationships more than most people.
Your unique capacity to love may be greater than those around you, which means you may have more to give in relationships than your friends or romantic partners do.
Your psyche is very rich; the more you learn about it, the more you will understand who you really are.
luni, 19 noiembrie 2007
Pearly Gate Humor
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, “You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?”
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?”
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really ARE Einstein!” he says. “Welcome to heaven!”
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?”
Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.”
Picasso erases Einstein’s equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!” he says. “Come on in!”
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”
George W. looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”
Saint Peter sighs and says, “Come on in, George.”
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?”
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really ARE Einstein!” he says. “Welcome to heaven!”
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?”
Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.”
Picasso erases Einstein’s equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!” he says. “Come on in!”
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”
George W. looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”
Saint Peter sighs and says, “Come on in, George.”
vineri, 16 noiembrie 2007
marți, 13 noiembrie 2007
In other words, your uncompromisingly compassionate nature directly affects how, and how often, you experience certain feelings.
For example, your test results indicate that you're most fulfilled when you can lend a helping hand to those who really need it. That factor is directly related to your fundamental belief in compassion and the range of emotions it triggers.
Based on your belief in compassion, where do you rank in the emotional landscape? Which of your emotions dominate your life? And how can you learn to control your emotions?
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